I’ve been working retail for more than seven years now. The time of year that I dread the most at work is Christmas time. It’s not because it’s busy – that makes it exciting. It’s not because of dumb customer questions – that’s more frosh week than anything else. It’s because of the full month of non-stop Christmas music. Over the years, I’ve grown a seething hatred for a handful of Christmas songs, so here they are in no particular order.
Up on the Rooftop – Christmas songs have a tendency to be annoyingly cheerful if you hear too many of them, and this is the worst offender. I have yet to hear a version of this that isn’t upbeat, fast paced and-or having a lead vocalist who is way too into this song. No disrespect to Michael Jackson, but the version that made me hate this song was the Jackson Five version (called Up on the Housetop). It doesn’t help that for the first few years I worked there, that version would play several times an hour.
Jingle Bells– my reasons for hating this song are very similar to the last one. It’s annoyingly cheerful and it doesn’t say anything of actual value. There’s nothing else to say about this one.
Away in a Manger – this song is factually inaccurate. Ignoring whether you believe Jesus is the savior or not, there is no way a baby born in a manger wouldn’t cry. If a baby doesn’t cry when it’s born, something is wrong with it. Then it sleeps in a manger made of hey? You know how itchy that would be for the sensitive skin of a newborn? Not to mention all the leftover smells from the animals that once occupied the manger he’s resting in? According to the Bible, Jesus was both fully man and fully God; therefore he cried as a baby. This one doesn’t bother me all that much and it sounds kind of nice if you shut off your brain. That said, I can’t help but nitpick this song to death every time I hear it.
12 Days of Christmas – from what I can tell, a lot of people hate this song. Why? It might actually be the most repetitive song in history that didn’t fade into obscurity within three years. Every year, my work plays a different version of this song. With the exception of this year, they always use the traditional gifts this song always has. I don’t even need to go into detail as to why this song sucks. The only good version is the Bob and Doug Mackenzie version. This version both skips the last few numbers, and it makes fun of Canadian stereotypes.
Santa Baby – I really hate this song. It’s usually from the perspective of a woman. More specifically, a woman who’s horny for a fat bearded pedophile who has an eating disorder. Santa’s a pedophile you say? Why else would he waste all his money by freely be giving gifts to children? How does he know when the kids are sleeping? Does he spy on them with an international network of spy cameras? He has to find out who’s naughty or nice? That’s making it worse. I’m getting side-tracked aren’t I? It beats thinking about Santa Baby.
It doesn’t help that the version that used to play at work was performed by someone who simply cannot sing. Even worse though – there’s a version sung by a man. I mean no disrespect to gay people, but old man gay porn is the last thing I want to think about (I’m still haunted by those wall sprays in Counter Strike). Every time I hear this song, I wish I could simply remove it from existence. This isn’t just my most hated Christmas song, but my most hated song ever.
So what are the Christmas songs that anger you the most?